I had to say no a couple of times this week. To friends. To my bestest of friends. It was really hard for me.
Guilt. Not wanting to disappoint or hurt people’s feelings. Wanting to be there for everyone, always, despite my own needs. Wanting others to be happy. All feelings and emotions I have around saying no.
With this new job and our work on the farm and bakery becoming more intense, I have more occasions where I need to take care of myself, my family and things I need to do and I realized that means saying no to others sometimes.
I am working on practicing the 4 A’s (adapted and made personal from Helpguide.org)
Avoid Unnecessary Stress. This is an interesting one. My current stress is work. And the commute. And stressing about not having enough time with Ella. And stressing about the commute. Did I mention the commute? Learning to say no can help with avoiding extra stress. Avoiding people who stress can also help. We have enough stress already built into our busy lives, why put more burden on yourself?
Alter- be willing to change your schedule to support yourself. I did that a few times this week, to support myself, and the world did not collapse, my friends understood and I felt better after a brief time of feeling bad about it…
Adapt. Reframe, look at the big picture, adjust expectations. Missing a phone call and catching up with the person on another day works just as well. Taking some time to unplug and not be reachable is ok, more than ok, it is necessary for health and wellbeing.
Accept. How does that prayer go? May you be granted the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change those things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. One of the hardest skills in life- knowing what you can and cannot change. Then knowing what is best for you, accepting or acting and then moving on.
Battling all the emotions around this saying no to others and taking time for myself this week was exhausting. By the time I got to Saturday I was really tired, had a headache and just felt plain awful. Baking went ok, four hours of intense work in the morning left me thinking we have to get our groove back (this is only our third weekend being open!) and we may have to shift some of the early morning work to Friday- just to give us some breathing room on Saturday morning. The three of us pushed really hard to get all set up in time for 9am. We had customers waiting while we finished the last few touches. We knew it was going to be a busy day, the sun was finally out after a week of rain. Despite the May Flies, it was a beautiful morning for a scone and a cup of coffee. The customers came in fits and spurts, the line was never too long, and we all had a chance to catch up with friends in between helping customers.
Then my friend Connie came back into my life- showed up at the Farm Store. I was so surprised and so happy, so talkative that a few May flies snuck in while I was smiling and I accidentally swallowed them! She came in part to convince me to rejoin our book club. Some how she knew I needed it, knew I needed the camaraderie of friends again. It has been a long time since I have been with my book club crowd. Covid got in the way, life got in the way. But, I am so happy she came to the store, It was so wonderful to see her. Thank you my friend!!!
Saying no was hard for me this week. My walking buddy was disappointed as work got in the way. My bestie had to take her kids on an anniversary dinner because we had other plans that night. And a friend who needed me, needed to chat, had to wait a day as I explained to her that I had already carved out time with Ella and really needed to give Ella my afternoon.
All three friends understood and were VERY supportive of my needs. Emphatically understood. They were glad I said no to them. So why does it feel so difficult? Why does it make me feel like a failure, a bad friend? Because I can’t do it all?? Perhaps self imposed by the voice inside my head (I call her the bitch by the way, and she rears her ugly head a lot)- the voice that tells me I am not good enough unless I do everything for everyone.
I had some choice words with her this week.
I am good enough.
I can take care of myself.
And, my friends will understand.
Be well,
Teresa
Additional Readings and Resources:
www.help guide.org/articles/stress/stress-management.html
The Art of Asking, Amanda Palmer
The Art of Saying No, Damon Zahariodes