Ella is very empathetic. My little 11 year old is growing up fast in this world and sometimes it is difficult to see past and work around all of the very difficult things that happen, the mean things people say and the off ways people treat each other around her. She finds it especially difficult when people are unkind to her (obviously!) but also struggles when unkindness is shown to others. Actually, she finds it more difficult when the people around her are mean to each other. She tries to make them stop, she tries to stand up for those who are being persecuted. She is very much like me, when I was a child. Always befriending the underdog, always making friends with the outcasts, trying to make everyone feel welcomed and loved. It is in our nature.
As an adult I realize the potential harm that this has on my own body, mind and soul. Sometimes this can be soul sucking. It can be energy draining and leave you with little reserve left for yourself. Taking care of everyone else around you leaves you little time to take care of yourself. It took me a long time to realize this and to take action. I want to help Ella through this, so that she can be true to her nature, but also protect herself.
There are many tactics I use with Ella. One in particular I wanted to share on this snowy day in March when we are all anticipating spring, anticipating the Farm Store opening, anticipating our own community coming together again…
Hugs. The Power of touch.
Caring, physical touch, such as hugs has been proposed as an important means to demonstrate caring, empathy and support. A group of researchers proposed that hugging may provide stress buffering social support that actually assists in the prevention of disease! Imagine! The power of touch can help prevent us from getting sick! The study controlled for frequency of the social interaction and for personality of the participants. They controlled illness in the study by inoculation of the common upper respiratory virus and measurement of nasal mucus production and nasal clearance function. Their study concluded that their hypothesis was correct on a few counts. Social support assisted in buffering stress and assisted in preventing illness. “For participants perceiving low social support, more frequent interpersonal tension and conflict was associated with greater probability of infection subsequent to viral exposure”. And virtually identical results emerged when hugs were examined as the potential stress buffer. Hugs were found to be a positive contributor and a protective mechanism against viral infection. Social support and hugs are important social buffers to the effects of stress on health.
So what is the right amount of hugs? What is the mechanism that promotes hugging and other non sexual physical touch that can bring on these protective mechanisms and feelings of social support? How can we work this into our everyday in an easy effective way?
As a nurse, I quickly learned the power of touch, but also of knowing when to use it and when not to. As a new intensive care unit nurse in Manhattan I had the opportunity to take care of many different kinds of people, from many different diverse backgrounds and cultures. I had an experience that caused me to pause when utilizing the power of touch. An Hassidic Jewish family recently lost the patriarch of their family in our ICU. The entire family came in to view their loved one after he had died. Culturally, we knew that they wanted us to give them space with their father and grandfather. I was trying to be caring and reached out to touch a young mans shoulder to offer support and to guide him to where his loved one was, and the recoil I received back makes me pause to this day. I was not ready for his reaction to my touch and it did leave me realizing that cultural norms are present that we may not be aware of. We all may revert back to our own personalities, mine is very much associated with touching, especially when I am nervous or I am anticipating that someone else is nervous, scared or stressed. It is my natural tendency to put a hand on a shoulder, reach out to hold a hand. Now, I ask- “is it ok if I touch you? I want to offer support.” Most people say yes, and receive my caring through my physical touch. This young man did not feel caring, probably felt the exact opposite, and for that I apologized. I can still conjur up feelings about that day. I know it was dramatic for both of us.
When we know it is safe and comfortable to utilize the power of touch, it can be very powerful to demonstrate your caring and your support. Providing a shoulder to cry on, hugging, holding hands, giving a quick squeeze of someone’s arm can go a long way in non verbally demonstrating your caring and it can help boost the receiving persons immune system and recharge their emotional system so that they can deal with the stress they are experiencing.
There are a number of times, since I have taken my new job in Bridgeport, an hour commute each way, that I speak with Ella over the phone on my ride home. Usually, I am calling after she has relaxed a bit from her day, has had a snack and is either trying to relax, play or finish up her homework. Sometimes when I call she explains her day happily and other times she is a puddle of tears describing a stressful day filled with students behaving badly and treating each other unkindly. Sometimes this is directed at Ella, sometimes at others. Either way, Ella struggles to understand and often times is very upset by this. We talk through it the best we can over the phone, and then I ask her to go find her dad and seek out some snuggles. Tell him you need to snuggle, I tell her. Go get some good hugs. And then, go spend some time with the dog too! (more on the power of pets- but that is enough for a whole other blog!).
Recently, I was helping her again with a difficult situation, this time in person, and as we talked I moved closer and closer to her and then just started hugging her. Pulled her in for a big bear hug, and kept holding her, for just slightly longer than normal. I told her I had recently read a study that found a simple hug has the power to reduce leaves of cortisol, allowing the person to experience feelings of wellness and happiness. Skin receptors sense the touch and oxytocin is released, oxytocin acts in our brains as a happiness hormone- feelings of trust and affection ensue. Receiving 4 hugs per day, for at least 6-8 seconds each can actually boost a person’s emotional and physical health! Touch and hugs also can decrease the pain of headaches, improve sleep quality, communicate a sense of trust and intimacy, motivate us to be successful, strengthen our relationships and lift our moods. As seen from one of my previous examples, you definitely need to use this technique wisely and with people you trust and love, however what could be better than an 8 second snuggle to make you feel better?!
As we anticipate Spring, the Farm Store opening and the community that will keep us engaged and happy over the summer, we can rely on the power of touch and the power of hugs to see us through this last bit of winter. Enjoy a couple of really good snuggles today and know that you are making yourself and your partner/friend/family member healthier on the inside!
Be well!
Teresa
Additional Resources and Reading:
Cohen, S, et al (2015). Does hugging provide stress buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness. Psychological Science, 26 (2) 135-147.
Kaufman, V. et al, (2022) Unique ways in which the quality of friendships matter for life satisfaction. Journal of Happiness Studies, 23, 2563-2580.
H. Garcia and F. Miracles, The Book of Ichigo Ichie: The art of making the most of every moment.